Back in the Saddle
by minimindbender
Summary: Adults Only


_A/N: So, I've decided to post these smutties separately—just in case I expand on any of them. So, throughout the course of today, etc, if you see "new" stories posted and realize—hey, I read this before! What the heck is she trying to pull!—that's what's going on. _

_Once I finish up with Letters to Harm, I plan to work mostly on Gone, with a few things in between. I've gotten ideas for more stories and it is really hard not to start on them before finishing something else!_

**Back in the Saddle **

Mac stared up at Harm's building, her heart pounding faster as she saw his form move past his window. She tried to tell herself that it was ridiculous for her to be so nervous; Harm was her friend, a friend who'd once told her he never wanted to lose her, a friend who'd once upon a time had offered to father her child…she had no reason to fear this upcoming confrontation.

_This confrontation…_interesting that she thought of it in that way…but after the way they'd left things in Paraguay, after seventeen unanswered messages, she feared that this meeting would be just that—a confrontation between two adversaries.

She'd never wanted to be Harm's adversary.

She'd wanted to be his friend. More than his friend…

_Why, then, MacKenzie did you tell him 'never?'_

Why indeed…she'd regretted it the moment she she'd said it, but he'd hurt her…and he certainly didn't fight her.

With a sigh, Mac shut the door to her 'Vette and crossed the street, hesitating once again at the door. Maybe she should have just had the admiral call him…

No, she wanted to see him…was desperate in fact to see him, despite her fears. Telling herself to get a grip, she pulled open the door.

Mac had never liked this building; the halls were poorly lit, dark even during the daylight hours. At this time of night, the many shadows gave plenty of opportunities to lie in wait for some hapless soul. The location also left much to be desired; as always, she'd hesitated in parking her car where she had, but once again decided that parking it there would be better than parking farther away in a 'safer' spot and then walking back to Harm's place. If she weren't the well-trained marine she was, she'd feel like a walking lesson in mugging. And yet, Harm's loft made up for all of the wretchedness of the area. As soon as you stepped over the threshold, you were in an entirely different world. It was a man's world for certain, so _Harm_, and yet it was warm and inviting.

Or maybe it wasn't the apartment…maybe it was the man inside. Until the whole Singer mess, Harm had always made her feel welcome, had always happily opened his door to her, had always seen to her comfort, but now…she had no hope that they could go back to that.

Before she knew it and long before she was ready, Mac was at Harm's door. She raised her fist to knock, but the sound of Harm's guitar gave her pause. The song he was playing was unfamiliar to her, but if she could describe it in one word, it would be 'sullen.' The tune screamed 'sullen,' his technique quietly belligerent, and she knocked loudly before she had to hear any more of it.

A scant few seconds later, the door opened, and Mac watched Harm's expression go from expectant to icy. No, not icy…

_Sullen._

* * *

Harm stared at the woman in his doorway, irritated by her presence and furious that for all his less than charitable feelings toward her, his breath still caught at her beauty and he still felt that tug of desire low in his groin—so much so that when they sat down he grabbed his guitar and used it to cover himself.

_I know you're mad at me…_her words sparked his ire, but he tramped it down, telling her coldly that he wasn't mad at anybody. He was lying, obviously, but he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of a fight. Besides, what was the point in fighting? It wouldn't change anything; he would still be alone and unemployed, and she'd still be with the spook.

As they 'chatted' about Commander Imes, Harm couldn't resist a few digs at Mac's relationship with Webb. He wasn't jealous, at least that's what he told himself; he just rather enjoyed baiting her. It was satisfying to see the spark of anger in her brown eyes. And it let him ignore the aura of sadness about her.

Oh, she tried to hide it, speaking lightly about the seventeen messages she'd left, but he'd known her too long and too well not to have seen it. He wasn't going to let it bother him, though, nor was he going to let it bother him that she'd clearly lost weight since he'd seen her last.

_It was probably all the extra "pillow talk" with Webb, _he thought bitterly.

And just like that, he was able to put aside any concern he'd had for her. Besides, despite the weight loss, she still looked, well, she looked adorable, with her hair tousled a bit and her lips that soft shade of red that he'd always loved. He wondered fleetingly how she'd taste...and then he also found himself wondering what she had on underneath that trench coat.

Thank god there was another knock on the door.

* * *

Mac stepped past Catherine with barely a glance back at Harm. She caught the other woman's eyes but quickly looked away; Catherine Gale had a certain smugness in her gaze and Mac wondered just how close she and Harm had gotten in the last five months.

Mac was at once irritated and relieved at Catherine's appearance. She'd had more that she'd wanted to say to Harm, but his attitude told her it wouldn't go well. She may as well get out while they were still civil with each other.

Once Mac had returned to her car, she turned around and raised her eyes to Harm's window. She felt the familiar stab of pain as she once again saw Harm getting close to another woman while she stood alone in the street, and she blinked back the tears that she'd shed so many times since she'd returned from Paraguay.

_Things change, _he'd said.

They certainly did…he clearly hated her now. If he didn't, he would have taken the time to find out that she was not, in fact, with Webb. He would have answered her calls. He would have fought her on her never.

Choking back a sob, Mac whipped back around and slid her hand into her coat pocket for her keys.

_Shit._

The keys weren't there, nor were they in any of her other pockets. They weren't in her briefcase. They weren't anywhere…that's when she remembered setting her keys down on the table next to the case files she'd brought to Harm.

_Double shit. _She'd have to go back up there.

Mac quickly wiped the last of her tears from her face and then trudged back toward Harm's building.

She'd get to witness more of Harm and his "wife" together.

_Shit. Shit. Shit…_

* * *

Mac rode the rickety elevator to Harm's floor, cursing the carelessness of leaving her keys behind. Harm would be less than amused that he had to be in the same room with her once again, and he'd likely be highly irritated that she was interrupting his evening with another blond conquest.

To Mac's surprise, she saw Catherine stepping into the hall, her coat thrown over her arm. The other woman paused to put the coat on, turning so she was now facing Mac.

That's when Mac saw it.

Catherine Gale was pregnant.

Surely, it couldn't be…

_Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship, we'll go halves on a kid…_

The memory of their "deal" rose unbidden in Mac's mind, and she suddenly felt every hope she'd ever had crumble before her. She hadn't even known she'd still carried that particular hope around with her, and now it had been destroyed in an instant. It truly was over between them…

"Colonel?"

Mac was jolted back to the present by the sound of Catherine's voice.

"Are you okay?"

_No…_

Nothing had been okay since Paraguay, not since even before that…not since before Harm's arrest for Singer's murder.

"Um, yeah, I-I forgot my keys…"

Catherine nodded. "Well, have a good night, Colonel."

Mac answered her with an automatic 'you too' and soon she was left alone in the hall. With trepidation, Mac knocked once again on Harm's door. It opened quickly, and clearly Harm was expecting someone else.

"Changed your mind, Catherine?" Harm started, then realized who was at his door. "Oh, _you," _he said with obvious disdain.

Mac felt a flush of anger. The man could at least pretend to be polite. After all, she'd only come for her keys. Mac told him as much and he stepped aside to motion her in with what she would describe as 'sarcastic chivalry.'

Mac made it halfway across the room before she whipped back around. Harm still stood at the open door, and that arrogant look of disdain he'd been directing at her all evening loosened her tongue.

"Is it yours?"

Harm's eyes widened a bit, but then his expression morphed into one of smug amusement. He didn't answer her, however, and Mac's ire increased.

"Catherine's baby. Is. It. Yours?!" Mac was aware that this really wasn't any of her business. She didn't have a claim on Harm by any means, but this, to her, was the final betrayal of…everything. The first betrayal was when Harm left to fly, and Mac knew she'd never really recovered from that either. It didn't matter that Harm hadn't returned to flying to spite her.

Harm slammed the door behind him. "I don't see how that's any of your business, Mac." She stared hard at him for long moments, and finally he gave a long-suffering sigh. "No, it isn't, Mac." There was something in his eyes that didn't allow Mac any relief over his admission.

"Did you sleep with her?" Mac quietly asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes," he answered without any hesitation.

"Then how do you—"

"She got pregnant a couple of months before she and I…not that it's any of your business."

"When?" Mac continued, ignoring his statement about this being none of her business. Harm raised an eyebrow at her.

"_When?!" _she asked with more force. Harm glared at her a few seconds before he finally spoke.

"Sometime between 'never' and your fifth or sixth call," he answered cruelly.

Mac didn't know why she hadn't just grabbed her keys and left, but something compelled her to keep torturing herself. "I see you didn't waste any time."

Harm snorted. "I figured I'd wasted enough time already."

"It was your idea to table the discussion," she accused, hating that she felt the need to go back to those dark nights in Paraguay.

"As I recall, you permanently tabled it with your 'never.'"

"You didn't fight me."

"I didn't see the point. You seemed pretty sure of your answer," he said with a shrug. This was vintage Harm. He would never express himself, never give his opinion, but then act all wounded, always playing the martyr. He'd done this with Mic, and he was doing it again. Mac had had enough. She opened her mouth to speak, but Harm beat her to it.

"Besides, you had Webb. Clearly you didn't need me to fight anything."

Mac flushed in anger. "I do not _have _Webb."

Harm snorted again. "That's not what I heard."

"Well, you heard wrong."

"Why, did he come to his senses then? Didn't want to be another victim of the MacKenzie curse?"

Mac couldn't bite back the gasp that escaped her at his words. Why did he keep doing this to her? What had she ever done to deserve such cruelty? Suddenly her 'never' seemed like the best idea she'd ever had. She whipped back around and retrieved her keys, then stalked past him, intent on leaving. Harm had other ideas, apparently, for she felt his hand clamp around her arm.

"Mac, I—" Mac looked up into his eyes, and she was surprised to see remorse. It didn't matter, though. He'd hurt her for the last time.

"Let me go, you bastard." She stared defiantly up at him, and he finally removed his hand.

"Mac, I'm sorry," he said to her back. She had every intention of slamming out the door, never to return, but his little apology gave her pause. She took her hand off the doorknob and slowly turned around.

"You're sorry?" she said coldly. "This is what, the third time you've said that to me, and you're sorry?" She came over and stood a few feet from him. "You aren't sorry, Harm. You say something like that, I forgive you, and then you do it again…that doesn't sound like someone who's sorry."

Harm looked like he wanted to say something, but Mac didn't give him the chance.

"What I don't understand…what I've never been able to understand after all these months, is why you even came down to Paraguay. You were an ass the entire time, you weren't happy to find me, and then you got mean. Why did you even bother?"

If Mac were shocked at the absolute fury in his eyes after her words, she didn't let it show. She honestly didn't think he had any right to feel that way after how he'd behaved. Clearly, he believed differently.

"Why did I even bother?" Harm's arms shot out and grabbed hold of her upper arms. He shook her a bit. "Why did I even _bother? _Jesus Christ, Mac. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Me? _Me?" _She tried to wrench herself from his grasp, but he held firm. "I never asked you to come for me in Paraguay. I never asked to have to listen to Webb's screams, and I certainly didn't ask for your attitude afterwards. Webb almost died to protect me. How could you act so-so jealous after that? The man was _this close_ to death, and all you could think of was how wounded _you_ were…but when push came to shove…when I was ready to lay it all out on the table…you made it clear once again that you didn't feel that way about me." Harm's jaw clenched even as he lessened his hold on her.

"You were the one that said 'never'," he said with deadly calm. _"You_ were the one that ended things, not me."

"There was nothing _to_ end, Harm. Not really," she said sadly. Harm blinked down at her for long seconds before his hands dropped down to his sides.

"Nothing, huh?" He turned away from her, hands on his hips. He sounded utterly defeated, and Mac felt the anger seeping out of her, even as she was thrown by his sudden change in attitude.

"Nothing. Which is why I can't understand why you're so upset with me."

Mac jumped when Harm suddenly turned back to her. The anger was back in full force, and Mac found herself taking a few steps back from his ire.

"You don't under_stand? _I gave up _everything_ for you, Mac! Everything, and I didn't even merit a thank you. Instead, you fawn all over Gunny… 'I owe you my life,' you said…meanwhile I got nothing. I have nothing. I don't have the Navy. I don't even have the CIA anymore. And I certainly don't have you!"

"You didn't want me!" Mac shouted back. "I thought we would…you would…but you didn't…you didn't want me!" she said again.

"How blind are you, Mac? What more did I have to do to show you how I felt?!" Suddenly Harm was looming over her. Mac stumbled back, but Harm caught her and yanked her to him. His lips took hers in a bruising kiss, a kiss she was stunned into returning. Harm's arms went around her and crushed her body to his, while their kiss escalated in heat and passion. There was nothing gentle about it; their tongues dueled, their lips ground against their teeth, and Mac tasted blood. The kiss was almost punishing, but when Harm went to pull away, her hands slid up to the back of his head and didn't allow it. Their lips met again and again, angry, passionate, and before either really knew what was happening, Harm lifted her up, her legs wrapping around her torso. His lips moved to her jaw, down her neck, and she threw her head back to give him even more access. She was barely aware when she started to unbutton his shirt, she only knew he was carrying her toward his bedroom, only knew that her panties were growing wet with arousal. She felt his hardness against her before he dropped her onto his bed. He was on top of her in an instant, and when his big hand slid over her torso down to the belt of her coat, she nodded, a strangled 'please, Harm' escaping from her lips.

Harm made quick work of the belt and the buttons of her coat and she raised herself up so he could slide it from her shoulders. As soon as they had her extricated from that, Harm's hands slid under her sweater, his roughened palms stroking across her belly to just under her breasts. By this time, Mac had Harm's shirt completely unbuttoned, and she pushed it off his shoulders. He sat up and removed the rest of the offending garment, and suddenly Harm's bare chest was before her. He was well-muscled with just the perfect amount of hair that led to the erection straining against the zipper of his pants, and Mac wanted nothing more than to feel his naked body against hers.

Mac knew that anger was fueling a lot of their actions, but she didn't care. She wanted Harm, wanted him inside her, and she didn't intend to stop. She reached for the button on of his pants, deftly undoing it before she slowly lowered his zipper. She reached down into his boxers and wrapped her fingers around his shaft. It throbbed in her hand and suddenly there was a frenzy of hands on flesh, tearing the remainder of clothing from their bodies. Within seconds they were naked, Mac so aroused she wanted to scream. Harm's erection was massive; she'd never seen one as magnificent, and her core ached to take his entire length within her.

Meanwhile, Harm's mouth had closed around one turgid nipple, and he bit and sucked her almost painfully. She didn't mind though; in fact, she wanted more. She reached for his hand and drew it up to her breast, showing him what she wanted. His hand squeezed and she gasped in exquisite pleasure/pain, knowing he'd marked her, knowing there would be bruising left behind. She didn't give a damn about that; in fact, she wanted it.

Harm's other hand had stroked across her belly again, moving lower until his fingers could tease her damp curls. He slid a finger through her slit, and in a moment, he had two fingers inside her, moving them aggressively in and out, his thumb pressing against her clit. Mac's moan ended in a scream as she came around him, and she knew she would die if he didn't enter her now. Harm seemed to understand her whimpers and cries and he pushed her down on the bed. He slid the mushroom head of his penis through her folds, gazing down into her eyes, and at her nod, he slammed his entire length into her. She cried out; he was big and it hurt, but soon the pain turned into something else, something wonderful, and she bucked underneath him. Harm's thrusts weren't gentle; neither were her fingers as she scraped her nails up his back. They made love furiously, eight years of pent up passion begging for release, and when they finally came together, Mac cried out his name as he shouted hers. He emptied himself inside her and she felt each hot jet reach for her womb. Neither had thought about protection, and she didn't give a damn.

Harm collapsed on top of her, then rolled so she was lying half on top of him. His big hands stroked up and down her back, and as the sweat dried from their bodies, Mac started to shiver. It wasn't until Harm lifted himself up on his arm and brushed a finger, gently now, along her cheek, that she realized she was crying too.

"Mac…Sarah…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…oh, baby, don't cry…did I hurt you? Sweetheart?"

Harm's now gentle touch and words only made her cry harder and soon she could hear the tears in his voice as well.

"I'm sorry, Mac…please…forgive me…I…I'm so sorry…"

Mac could only shake her head. He didn't need to be sorry. She'd wanted this too.

Finally, all Harm could do was wrap his arms around her and cradle her to him as she soaked the hairs of his chest with her tears. Several minutes later her sobs had slowed to mere hiccups, and when she raised herself up a bit to look into his eyes, she saw the tear tracks on his face too. He reached up and tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. "I'm sorry, Mac," he apologized again.

"No, Harm…don't be sorry…don't be sorry…please…" She pressed her lips to his cheek, to his jaw and finally to his lips.

"But I—"

"You didn't do anything I didn't want," she tried to reassure him.

"I was so rough…" Harm seemed truly horrified by his behavior, and Mac knew then that the sweet, honorable boy scout she'd fallen in love with was still there. She shook her head.

"Oh, Harm, we both were. We had a lot inside that needed to get out." Harm looked deeply into her eyes before he nodded.

"Yeah, I guess we did." As they continued to stare into each other eyes, the walls of the bedroom seemed to close in on her. Where did they go from here? From this? The urge to flee came upon her, and she started to pull away.

"I—I should go," she said as she sat up. She missed the panicked look in Harm's eyes.

"Mac, no…stay. Please stay…"

She shook her head, the tears starting again. "No, you don't need that…" She slid off the bed and started gathering up her clothes

Harm sat up then, and there was anger and something else in his countenance once again. "No, Mac…no, you've got it all wrong…everything wrong…but it's my fault you don't understand…I came down there for you because…because…" Harm swallowed hard.

Mac stood there, naked in front of him, the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. "B-Because why, Harm? Why did you come down there?" She bit her lip and held her breath as she waited for him to answer.

Harm took a deep breath. "Because I love you."

Mac just stared at him, the clothes in her hands falling from them to the ground. "No, Harm."

"No?" He looked at her incredulously.

"N-No you don't, you…"

With a speed that surprised both of them, Harm was out of bed and in front of her. He reached for her and pulled her close, resting his lips on the crown of her head. "I love you, Mac." She shook her head against him. He repeated his words then, punctuating each 'I love you' with a kiss to her hair, her ear, her cheek, and finally her lips. Mac found herself kissing him back but then pulled away.

"Harm…"

"No, Mac…I _love _you!"

"But you don't want to be with me…you said it yourself…every man who's ever been in love with me is dead or wishes they were…" She stepped out of his arms…

* * *

If Harm could go back in time, he would have beat the shit out of his former self for uttering those horrible words. He would have murdered the angry, jealous man in Paraguay who said essentially the same thing to her.

Because now, even though he'd finally told her how he felt—honestly, a simple 'I love you' wasn't even close to adequate enough to tell her the complete depth of his feelings—she didn't believe him. Or at the very least, she didn't believe that he loved her enough to stay with her.

Harm felt a moment of panic as she stepped away from him. He knew if she left now, if she ran, there would be no hope for them. He lunged for her, and before she could even squeal a protest, he lifted her into his arms. He sat back down on the bed, then scooted awkwardly so his back was against the headboard while all the while, she remained in his lap. He held on tight, and to his relief, she only fought a moment before she relaxed into him.

"Do you understand now, Sarah?" he asked her after they'd sat in silence for several minutes. He felt her nod as she tightened her hold. She pulled away again almost immediately, and Harm felt a sinking feeling. Mac, however, must have noticed, as she hastened to reassure him.

"No, no, Harm…I get it…and—and I'm sorry about…I'm sorry about how I acted in Paraguay. Even after you saved me…I couldn't—I couldn't really believe it. Everything was all wrong there…and I-I guess I lashed out at the one closest to me—you. I didn't realize I hadn't thanked you until you left the bullpen for the last time…and then you didn't answer my calls…I wanted to tell you I was sorry for everything…"

"Mac, honey, I'm sorry I never answered you. If I had…maybe I wouldn't have had such a wretched five months…"

Mac turned and wrapped her arms around Harm again. "I'm so sorry, Harm. For all of that."

Harm nodded. There was one more thing he wanted to ask about, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. Thankfully, Mac brought it up first.

"Harm…that 'never'…"

"Yes, Sarah?"

"I didn't mean it."

Harm nearly collapsed in relief.

"And Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

* * *

In that moment, all the hurt from the last several months started to fade away. They both knew they had a lot to work through; Mac hadn't yet dealt with the trauma of Paraguay and Harm hadn't really sat down and come to terms with his time in the brig and the near loss of Mac. As they navigated that journey together, there were times when anger got the best of them, when they couldn't stand the sight of each other, but thankfully those times were brief. Mac knew that the actions were important to Harm, so she did her best to show him she loved him in infinite little ways, and Harm, knowing the words were important to her, told her he loved her nearly every time they spoke—even if they were in the midst of one of their legendary arguments. The horrors of the last year gradually became a dim memory, the love that had started in a rose garden so many years ago finally overcoming the pain and their own inherent stubbornness.

There would be many hiccups along the way; neither of them was perfect, but together, for all their imperfections, they loved perfectly.

And they lived happily ever after…

* * *

_End_


End file.
